Checking in before leaving again

I've been away for quite some time I don't even know what all to say so much has happened from me becoming completely single and losing all of my so called friends to me getting abused n having to realize that my life is more important than all the love and connection in the world. I am so tired of being alone though and that is hard and I know why and how I could justify staying in an abusive relationship. I am almost a senior...yay! Hopefully I can pass all of my classes and get onto the next hurdle in life. I do miss my ex something fierce especially on days when I'm bored and all alone and my mind is wandering...smh well I got to go 2 papers n 2 tests coming up so TT4N!

Relationship - Trust = Pointless

so i really like this guy, but he doesn't trust me. i've been thinking...what is the point in even trying if he isn't gonna trust me at all? wtf? i went to get an std test yesterday, not cause i don't trust him, but to be sure that i don't have anything from anyone, him or a previous partner. i must say i'm a little nervous. :( i also got an hpv (gardasil) shot yesterday. man my eff'in arm hurts like hell. this is bull! well anyway i got tests and hw today, so i will have to do an extended vent later, TT4N!

pursuit of happiness

if you never call me again...fine. if you never text me again...fine. if you are mad because i didn't respond to you when u thought i should have or because i didn't do as you wish...KICK ROCKS! i can't be everyone's dream girl all the time i am me love me or hate me this is who i am. i try everyday to be a better person and whether that person is someone you like or not is not for me to worry about all i am tryin to do is to please myself and God all others can take it or leave it...


so i've realized that not one person in my life is making me feel loved or happy right now and i've realized that their happiness is their main concern as it should be and i'm not mad at them, kuddos to them i hope they find what it is that will make them happy. like will smith's character in Pursuit of Happiness said "go get happy" so that's what everyone should do, but don't be mad if i do the same be my friend (not a pretend friend but a real friend) and be happy for me as i find my happiness wherever it may be...TT4N

Shitty Month

This has been a shitty month. First i have had 4 friends snap on me i cant take that shit anymore and then its over trivial shit that they don't even know about or even try to ask about. The 1st one thought i kicked him to the curb for my "new" friends who aren't so new and all I did was start hanging out more. We have talked now and things are a little better, but still that's some bullshit. Then the 2nd friend got mad cause he thought I was pretending to be sleep/or ignorning him for another friend or something but really I was studying and shortly after he called I went to sleep. Then friend #3 got upset cause she thought I was ignorning her and deleted her off of facebook...are u fuckin serious? And friend 4 said he didnt talk to me because he started dating this girl and he giving her all his time...so that's how we doing it now??? I'm tired! I have a lot of stuff on my mind I need a real vacation. I mean I took a trip with my kids for my birthday but I didn't get to get away from everybody and everything which is what I need. I need to be able to cry scream kick bite whatever to get these negative feelings off of me.

Right now I feel all alone. I know that I'm not really alone I have some family and friends that care about me but when I really think about things I see how it seems like none of them want to be around me, but I don't blame them who wants to be around someone who is always messing things up, someone who is negative, someone who is boring? I'd rather sleep than spend time with myself so how can I expect anyone else to want to spend time with me. Now lets not even get started on my relationship with God and my Christian walk...can you say COMPLETELY off track? :( I haven't had a real prayer with God in a long time. I don't even pray before I go to bed I say my grace before I eat sometimes and I try to make sure my kids say their prayers but other than that that's all I have been doing. I haven't been motivated for anything lately. So if anybody is out there keep me in your thoughts and prayers I need a friend!

thinking...

lately all i've been doing is thinking. thinking about love, thinking about the future thinking about school thinking about chores thinking about relationships (friends, family, etc) just thinking. and you know what i've realized life is an ongoing cycle of ups and downs. right now is a down for me so next must be an up! yay!!! maybe my up will be a good relationship or great grades i dunno we'll see TT4N!

Love Bites!

Ok so I've been in love with my best friend for about 5 years now but we are not together never will be. What is the point of having feelings for someone if you will never really get to be with them? So I think love BITES!!! I love you so much and yet I will never get to be with you, or be your wife even! :( this makes me hate my life with a passion! I really want you! I really love you! I want to be the one to be your wife i want you to be my husband I will stop playing all the games just for you!

everyone is a LIAR

everyone has something to hide, and most ppl lie about some things at one time or another. NOONE is exempt from being a liar at some point in their lives but when does it become too much lying? well i'm sick of the lies pls be real with me n i will do the same. i know what i want right now do you??? if so pls just tell me what u want n don't put my health at risk or lie to me about something so simple to tell the truth about....WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HONEST? GROW THE EFF UP!!!