Trying to spread some joy :)

so just because I'm not having this best of times i don't want other ppl 2 feel the same way. therefore i have been trying to spread some joy to friends, family, and even strangers one smile at a time. i think that there are ppl that are trying to do the same for me and i appreciate it. i don't feel much like a ppl-person but i still find the desire to try 2 make some1 else smile. i sure hope that God forgives me for all the bad things i say/do/think, n that He sees the good things i do. i know no1 is perfect but i feel like I've fallen so far from where i was before i got raped. that's right raped. i was on this celibacy thing and then after getting raped i decided who cares about saving myself for my husband, i probably wont get married anyway so I'm just living life now. i want to stop having sex but i feel that's all I'm worth, all that I'm good for. i dunno how to feel or what to think. i sometimes wonder why God allows me to live thru all of the things i have done, things i have been thru, when there r ppl out there that want 2 b here more, deserve 2 b here more. maybe He has a plan n purpose 4 my life and 1 day i will find out (i can only hope)