Love Bites!

Ok so I've been in love with my best friend for about 5 years now but we are not together never will be. What is the point of having feelings for someone if you will never really get to be with them? So I think love BITES!!! I love you so much and yet I will never get to be with you, or be your wife even! :( this makes me hate my life with a passion! I really want you! I really love you! I want to be the one to be your wife i want you to be my husband I will stop playing all the games just for you!

everyone is a LIAR

everyone has something to hide, and most ppl lie about some things at one time or another. NOONE is exempt from being a liar at some point in their lives but when does it become too much lying? well i'm sick of the lies pls be real with me n i will do the same. i know what i want right now do you??? if so pls just tell me what u want n don't put my health at risk or lie to me about something so simple to tell the truth about....WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HONEST? GROW THE EFF UP!!!

2day i'm hurting

i'm so f*in pissed. my bff is acting stank, n all my other so called friends have been put on the caution list. after this week i have had i have realized that not one person i call friend or even family for that matter talks 2 me outside of wanting me 2 do something. u call me ur friend because u want me 2 b there 4 u but when will u be there 4 me??? o well, f*k it all! i'm tired of ppl n their bull. tomorrow starts school for me (well actually 9hrs) and i am actually kind of sad 1 b/c i still don't have a car 2 b/c i don't have my books 3 b/c i feel like i am still trying 2 get ahead n something keeps pulling me back. today i heard an inspirational msg about how if it feels like u r struggling or something is pulling/holding u back its because the devil knows God has plans for ur life i'm gonna hold onto that like there is no 2moro n hopefully it will make this walk a little easier n help me 2 appreciate this journey. i love God no matter what its just that sometimes i wonder why i was place in this world with the family n friends i have. i sincerely hope n pray that 1 day i will find out that purpose until then i'm still just wandering along trying not 2 mess up 2 much.

today was not a good day 4 me, ppl say its b/c i allow my situations 2 affect me, so i've decided 2 say eff everybody n everything its all about me until i feel better. i used 2 always be concerned about others well being but since its not reciprocated eff them 2. i'm living and as i do i'm learning not to trust anyone with anything especially my heart and i'm loving from a distance now. TT4N

Blankets, and pillows, and quilts...Oh my!

So school is out for me for exactly 2 weeks. Last week was my first week out of school and i did some cleaning and rearranging around the house and Thursday after i caught up on my sleep i did some arts and crafts projects that i had a chance to start but not finish. I LOVE ARTS & CRAFTS! well i have a pretty busy fall schedule so i don't think that i will have time to do as many projects so I'm trying to get them done now. i began to sew a blanket i started 6 yrs ago. i know that was such a long time ago but in all honesty it was a project i started by hand while working and going to school with a newborn baby so it got pushed to the side to never be touched again. well now i have a sewing machine and i am back on the grind finishing projects is so much easier now :) needless to say i finished 3 pillow cases, i only need the filling for the blanket and then I'm finished with that as well, and I'm beginning a quilt and crocheting a blanket too. the blanket and quilt come and go. the quilt is a graduation gift for my friend will post pics of it later (after its finished) and the blanket is something i do while watching TV if i have nothing else 2 do and i remember it of course lol. well anyway i will be attaching pics of the pillow cases I've done earlier and some other random pics of my arts and crafts projects TT4N!

listening 2 old songs, reminiscing

so its almost eleven and usually by this time i am knocked out sleeping but for some odd reason i can't sleep i think its the uneventful day i have had, the things on my mind, and this lonely feeling i cant shake. today was my first weekday not going to school or anywhere for that matter. i have not been in my house without a car in a looonnnggg time! i don't mind though this gives me time to get things accomplished around the house and have time to myself to think. today i talked to 1 of my 4 older brothers (he just recently got out of jail) and he was asking about my children (who he has never met) and saying he wanted to come over to see us. i don't know how i feel about it yet, but i know that he doesn't have either of his parents anymore, and i am his sister and my kids are his 1st niece and nephew so i don't want 2 deprive him because of my own feelings; BUT (u knew it was coming huh?) how am i supposed 2 feel? my kids won't understand and i thank God for that but i remember how i felt 9yrs ago how my life has changed drastically and i don't feel as if i can trust him ever again. he is human and we are all prone to mistakes but what if he hurts my sister-in-law, what if he hurts me, or my kids for that matter this trust issue is really hard for me especially after all that has happened.
well anyway during our conversation he asked me if i was in school, my response was yes (of course), then he asked what my major is (every person's next question! uhh!) so i said spanish ( and left it at that) well he got all excited saying that he believes that he has known from the holy spirit that we were gonna minister overseas one day with that. <--- that part right there is what is messing me up, because aside from a few close people no one knows that's what i want to do. i'm not sure if he really does feel that way, or maybe he has talked 2 someone from my church and they told him my plans, or maybe he just wanted to boost my head up. well anyway the one person i feel i could voice my opinion about this 2 is now deceased, my grandma, she understood how i felt and still feel about my family, she was like my best friend always listening and guiding, but never treating me like i was a horrible person. well she has been gone for almost 11 years (sept makes 11) and my mom, my other close friend, well she's been dead for 9. my question: so who do i talk to now??? who do i confide in? i guess its just me n u cyberspace. well i'm going 2 sign off, i'm feeling more lonely than i have in a long while TT4N!

ps- songs of choice tonight: Lenny Kravitz "Fly Away" and Enrique Iglesias "Be With You" taking me back 2 the good days when they were still here

Jealousy is my weakness!

I know its not good to be jealous but I just can't help it. I see things I want and I never get them. I hear people talk about the great men/women in their lives the way things are going good for them and gosh darn it I want things to be different, to be better! I want the money a car a nice TV and a good man in my life. I have a house that I will keep the taxes up on no matter what but sometimes I want a little more. I would like to have a man in my life. I want a new TV and TV stand and things like that sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in limbo. I know this is horrible and I should be happy for others cause its like my cousin has a man in her life that's wonderful to her and her son that's not even his, and my friend has a boyfriend that does the same for her son not only that but she has a nice mom and stepdad and a nice brother too. Like for her birthday they are getting her a wii and maybe a TV for my birthday I barely get anything. I can't even get help from my brother and dad on getting a car the one thing I need aside from that I pay my own bills and live my life I do things for myself and my children by myself. I am honestly happy for my family and friends, but when will things look up for me? I just want to do well and stop struggling and feeling unloved because these feelings make me want to give up on life itself! Well all that aside hopefully I will have a new car soon I will post pictures. TT4N!