so its almost eleven and usually by this time i am knocked out sleeping but for some odd reason i can't sleep i think its the uneventful day i have had, the things on my mind, and this lonely feeling i cant shake. today was my first weekday not going to school or anywhere for that matter. i have not been in my house without a car in a looonnnggg time! i don't mind though this gives me time to get things accomplished around the house and have time to myself to think. today i talked to 1 of my 4 older brothers (he just recently got out of jail) and he was asking about my children (who he has never met) and saying he wanted to come over to see us. i don't know how i feel about it yet, but i know that he doesn't have either of his parents anymore, and i am his sister and my kids are his 1st niece and nephew so i don't want 2 deprive him because of my own feelings; BUT (u knew it was coming huh?) how am i supposed 2 feel? my kids won't understand and i thank God for that but i remember how i felt 9yrs ago how my life has changed drastically and i don't feel as if i can trust him ever again. he is human and we are all prone to mistakes but what if he hurts my sister-in-law, what if he hurts me, or my kids for that matter this trust issue is really hard for me especially after all that has happened.
well anyway during our conversation he asked me if i was in school, my response was yes (of course), then he asked what my major is (every person's next question! uhh!) so i said spanish ( and left it at that) well he got all excited saying that he believes that he has known from the holy spirit that we were gonna minister overseas one day with that. <--- that part right there is what is messing me up, because aside from a few close people no one knows that's what i want to do. i'm not sure if he really does feel that way, or maybe he has talked 2 someone from my church and they told him my plans, or maybe he just wanted to boost my head up. well anyway the one person i feel i could voice my opinion about this 2 is now deceased, my grandma, she understood how i felt and still feel about my family, she was like my best friend always listening and guiding, but never treating me like i was a horrible person. well she has been gone for almost 11 years (sept makes 11) and my mom, my other close friend, well she's been dead for 9. my question: so who do i talk to now??? who do i confide in? i guess its just me n u cyberspace. well i'm going 2 sign off, i'm feeling more lonely than i have in a long while TT4N!
ps- songs of choice tonight: Lenny Kravitz "Fly Away" and Enrique Iglesias "Be With You" taking me back 2 the good days when they were still here
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