Relationship - Trust = Pointless

so i really like this guy, but he doesn't trust me. i've been thinking...what is the point in even trying if he isn't gonna trust me at all? wtf? i went to get an std test yesterday, not cause i don't trust him, but to be sure that i don't have anything from anyone, him or a previous partner. i must say i'm a little nervous. :( i also got an hpv (gardasil) shot yesterday. man my eff'in arm hurts like hell. this is bull! well anyway i got tests and hw today, so i will have to do an extended vent later, TT4N!

pursuit of happiness

if you never call me again...fine. if you never text me again...fine. if you are mad because i didn't respond to you when u thought i should have or because i didn't do as you wish...KICK ROCKS! i can't be everyone's dream girl all the time i am me love me or hate me this is who i am. i try everyday to be a better person and whether that person is someone you like or not is not for me to worry about all i am tryin to do is to please myself and God all others can take it or leave it...


so i've realized that not one person in my life is making me feel loved or happy right now and i've realized that their happiness is their main concern as it should be and i'm not mad at them, kuddos to them i hope they find what it is that will make them happy. like will smith's character in Pursuit of Happiness said "go get happy" so that's what everyone should do, but don't be mad if i do the same be my friend (not a pretend friend but a real friend) and be happy for me as i find my happiness wherever it may be...TT4N

Shitty Month

This has been a shitty month. First i have had 4 friends snap on me i cant take that shit anymore and then its over trivial shit that they don't even know about or even try to ask about. The 1st one thought i kicked him to the curb for my "new" friends who aren't so new and all I did was start hanging out more. We have talked now and things are a little better, but still that's some bullshit. Then the 2nd friend got mad cause he thought I was pretending to be sleep/or ignorning him for another friend or something but really I was studying and shortly after he called I went to sleep. Then friend #3 got upset cause she thought I was ignorning her and deleted her off of facebook...are u fuckin serious? And friend 4 said he didnt talk to me because he started dating this girl and he giving her all his time...so that's how we doing it now??? I'm tired! I have a lot of stuff on my mind I need a real vacation. I mean I took a trip with my kids for my birthday but I didn't get to get away from everybody and everything which is what I need. I need to be able to cry scream kick bite whatever to get these negative feelings off of me.

Right now I feel all alone. I know that I'm not really alone I have some family and friends that care about me but when I really think about things I see how it seems like none of them want to be around me, but I don't blame them who wants to be around someone who is always messing things up, someone who is negative, someone who is boring? I'd rather sleep than spend time with myself so how can I expect anyone else to want to spend time with me. Now lets not even get started on my relationship with God and my Christian walk...can you say COMPLETELY off track? :( I haven't had a real prayer with God in a long time. I don't even pray before I go to bed I say my grace before I eat sometimes and I try to make sure my kids say their prayers but other than that that's all I have been doing. I haven't been motivated for anything lately. So if anybody is out there keep me in your thoughts and prayers I need a friend!

thinking...

lately all i've been doing is thinking. thinking about love, thinking about the future thinking about school thinking about chores thinking about relationships (friends, family, etc) just thinking. and you know what i've realized life is an ongoing cycle of ups and downs. right now is a down for me so next must be an up! yay!!! maybe my up will be a good relationship or great grades i dunno we'll see TT4N!

Love Bites!

Ok so I've been in love with my best friend for about 5 years now but we are not together never will be. What is the point of having feelings for someone if you will never really get to be with them? So I think love BITES!!! I love you so much and yet I will never get to be with you, or be your wife even! :( this makes me hate my life with a passion! I really want you! I really love you! I want to be the one to be your wife i want you to be my husband I will stop playing all the games just for you!

everyone is a LIAR

everyone has something to hide, and most ppl lie about some things at one time or another. NOONE is exempt from being a liar at some point in their lives but when does it become too much lying? well i'm sick of the lies pls be real with me n i will do the same. i know what i want right now do you??? if so pls just tell me what u want n don't put my health at risk or lie to me about something so simple to tell the truth about....WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE HONEST? GROW THE EFF UP!!!

2day i'm hurting

i'm so f*in pissed. my bff is acting stank, n all my other so called friends have been put on the caution list. after this week i have had i have realized that not one person i call friend or even family for that matter talks 2 me outside of wanting me 2 do something. u call me ur friend because u want me 2 b there 4 u but when will u be there 4 me??? o well, f*k it all! i'm tired of ppl n their bull. tomorrow starts school for me (well actually 9hrs) and i am actually kind of sad 1 b/c i still don't have a car 2 b/c i don't have my books 3 b/c i feel like i am still trying 2 get ahead n something keeps pulling me back. today i heard an inspirational msg about how if it feels like u r struggling or something is pulling/holding u back its because the devil knows God has plans for ur life i'm gonna hold onto that like there is no 2moro n hopefully it will make this walk a little easier n help me 2 appreciate this journey. i love God no matter what its just that sometimes i wonder why i was place in this world with the family n friends i have. i sincerely hope n pray that 1 day i will find out that purpose until then i'm still just wandering along trying not 2 mess up 2 much.

today was not a good day 4 me, ppl say its b/c i allow my situations 2 affect me, so i've decided 2 say eff everybody n everything its all about me until i feel better. i used 2 always be concerned about others well being but since its not reciprocated eff them 2. i'm living and as i do i'm learning not to trust anyone with anything especially my heart and i'm loving from a distance now. TT4N

Blankets, and pillows, and quilts...Oh my!

So school is out for me for exactly 2 weeks. Last week was my first week out of school and i did some cleaning and rearranging around the house and Thursday after i caught up on my sleep i did some arts and crafts projects that i had a chance to start but not finish. I LOVE ARTS & CRAFTS! well i have a pretty busy fall schedule so i don't think that i will have time to do as many projects so I'm trying to get them done now. i began to sew a blanket i started 6 yrs ago. i know that was such a long time ago but in all honesty it was a project i started by hand while working and going to school with a newborn baby so it got pushed to the side to never be touched again. well now i have a sewing machine and i am back on the grind finishing projects is so much easier now :) needless to say i finished 3 pillow cases, i only need the filling for the blanket and then I'm finished with that as well, and I'm beginning a quilt and crocheting a blanket too. the blanket and quilt come and go. the quilt is a graduation gift for my friend will post pics of it later (after its finished) and the blanket is something i do while watching TV if i have nothing else 2 do and i remember it of course lol. well anyway i will be attaching pics of the pillow cases I've done earlier and some other random pics of my arts and crafts projects TT4N!

listening 2 old songs, reminiscing

so its almost eleven and usually by this time i am knocked out sleeping but for some odd reason i can't sleep i think its the uneventful day i have had, the things on my mind, and this lonely feeling i cant shake. today was my first weekday not going to school or anywhere for that matter. i have not been in my house without a car in a looonnnggg time! i don't mind though this gives me time to get things accomplished around the house and have time to myself to think. today i talked to 1 of my 4 older brothers (he just recently got out of jail) and he was asking about my children (who he has never met) and saying he wanted to come over to see us. i don't know how i feel about it yet, but i know that he doesn't have either of his parents anymore, and i am his sister and my kids are his 1st niece and nephew so i don't want 2 deprive him because of my own feelings; BUT (u knew it was coming huh?) how am i supposed 2 feel? my kids won't understand and i thank God for that but i remember how i felt 9yrs ago how my life has changed drastically and i don't feel as if i can trust him ever again. he is human and we are all prone to mistakes but what if he hurts my sister-in-law, what if he hurts me, or my kids for that matter this trust issue is really hard for me especially after all that has happened.
well anyway during our conversation he asked me if i was in school, my response was yes (of course), then he asked what my major is (every person's next question! uhh!) so i said spanish ( and left it at that) well he got all excited saying that he believes that he has known from the holy spirit that we were gonna minister overseas one day with that. <--- that part right there is what is messing me up, because aside from a few close people no one knows that's what i want to do. i'm not sure if he really does feel that way, or maybe he has talked 2 someone from my church and they told him my plans, or maybe he just wanted to boost my head up. well anyway the one person i feel i could voice my opinion about this 2 is now deceased, my grandma, she understood how i felt and still feel about my family, she was like my best friend always listening and guiding, but never treating me like i was a horrible person. well she has been gone for almost 11 years (sept makes 11) and my mom, my other close friend, well she's been dead for 9. my question: so who do i talk to now??? who do i confide in? i guess its just me n u cyberspace. well i'm going 2 sign off, i'm feeling more lonely than i have in a long while TT4N!

ps- songs of choice tonight: Lenny Kravitz "Fly Away" and Enrique Iglesias "Be With You" taking me back 2 the good days when they were still here

Jealousy is my weakness!

I know its not good to be jealous but I just can't help it. I see things I want and I never get them. I hear people talk about the great men/women in their lives the way things are going good for them and gosh darn it I want things to be different, to be better! I want the money a car a nice TV and a good man in my life. I have a house that I will keep the taxes up on no matter what but sometimes I want a little more. I would like to have a man in my life. I want a new TV and TV stand and things like that sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in limbo. I know this is horrible and I should be happy for others cause its like my cousin has a man in her life that's wonderful to her and her son that's not even his, and my friend has a boyfriend that does the same for her son not only that but she has a nice mom and stepdad and a nice brother too. Like for her birthday they are getting her a wii and maybe a TV for my birthday I barely get anything. I can't even get help from my brother and dad on getting a car the one thing I need aside from that I pay my own bills and live my life I do things for myself and my children by myself. I am honestly happy for my family and friends, but when will things look up for me? I just want to do well and stop struggling and feeling unloved because these feelings make me want to give up on life itself! Well all that aside hopefully I will have a new car soon I will post pictures. TT4N!

Love for love's sake

My question for today: Is it pointless to love someone who doesn't share your feelings? I am deeply in love so much so that I can't fall for anyone else because of how deep my love runs for this guy. I hope and pray he will be my husband one day but if not can I stomach him being with someone else or even being alone? I don't know and that saddens me. I hope that one day I will be okay with or without him being in my life until then I am loving the feelings he invokes in me. For now I am just in love for love's sake. That's all I have for today got a final exam to study for so TT4N.

I have the BESTEST friend EVER!

So I got into a car accident about 3 1/2 weeks ago and my car was totaled out. Therefore I have been car-less and needing help. My insurance company got me a rental for about 2 1/2 weeks but I had to return it last Monday. Well I haven't been working but I have been going to school so I have that burden everyday plus I have doc appts. Well my best friend has been so kind to take me to school everyday take me to all my appts and even any random things I need to do without complaining or asking for a single penny. He is the best friend anyone could ever ask for but so few are lucky to find. He has blessed my life tremendously for the past 5 years I hope to always have him as a friend and maybe one day as a husband. Well let me get to what led me to post this...Last night I was coming back from a fun day at the water park with my kids cousin and a friend when the rental car I was driving broke down on me in the middle of the road with no warning. The only way I even knew it broke down was because of the steering wheel locking up and the lights that all of a sudden flashed on the dashboard. Needless to say I was frustrated and feeling helpless. I called the tow company told I would have to wait about an hour and they wouldn't be able to take everyone just me and 1 other person...BIG PROBLEM even if my cousin and friend found a ride that left me with one child that had no ride :( so i texted my best friend who came as soon as he found out the location of where we were sat with us until tow truck came and then met me where the rental company was to bring me home. (Total time lost because of the car = 2hours.) And do you know the best part of this whole thing that makes me appreciate my best friend all the more he never complained he was just helpful and loving. I thank God for sending him into my life and I hope that everyone has a best friend like this in their life and if they don't I hope they find them soon. TT4N!

Car-less, Job-less, but I want it all

It's been a while been busy with school, and personal life. I have had some free time but this was the farthest thing from my mind. Why??? Mostly because I have been stressing over life situations and depressed thinking things aren't going to change but they will. And do you know why? Because my God said it will in His word He says He will never never me nor forsake me. So even though this road is hard and I find myself losing faith and hope I can't I WON'T give up because I know that in the end all things will work together for the good of those who love Christ and I do love him. I lost faith once before and you know what happened, God showed up and he showed out. He didn't have to, but surely He did because He is a merciful God; so I came here today to say no matter the road you are on don't lose the faith, keep strong it will all work out in the end, trust and believe. Right now I am mother-less, car-less, and job-less but I won't lose the faith because He didn't bring me so far just to leave me. I still have a home and money and I even have a car paid off that I wouldn't have if not for the grace and mercy of God. Be blessed TT4N!

Another Day Another Dollar (being lost)

Howdy all! Happy Tuesday! Today is just another day to me and another dollar that is being lost. I hope all is well with all of you out there. I got my hair colored and I hate it! Its not the color I was aiming for at all. My friend said he will pay for me to get it colored over again but as you probably know I can't get that done for some time so that my hair doesn't get over processed so soon. I have yet another doc appt today but thankfully I am feeling somewhat better. I also have been making posts on a surrogate website maybe someone will choose me to be their surrogate mommy I would love to help someone else. Well I gotta go got a stat test tomorrow and I am still so confused about everything TT4N!

more posts needed

i was just thinking that maybe i need to post more often. so far from april until now i only have 5 posts. that's horrible about 1 or 2 posts per month. i didnt realize how much of my time would be taken up by school, my children, trying to spend time with my friends, going to church, cleaning house (you know clothes, bathroom, sweeping, changing sheets, dishes, etc), and reading new books (which is something i am always doing). i decided to try to find time either at the end of my day, beginning of my day or both to try to post a few words about how i am feeling how my day went i realized it helps me to feel a lot better. well today i am changing my hair up so i will be gone for the first half of my day, taking a book with me, this is book #3 out of 20 of the summer hopefully all of the books will be a pleasurable read n i will like my new hair. well i gotta finish getting ready will tell about my day today later, TT4N

Trying to spread some joy :)

so just because I'm not having this best of times i don't want other ppl 2 feel the same way. therefore i have been trying to spread some joy to friends, family, and even strangers one smile at a time. i think that there are ppl that are trying to do the same for me and i appreciate it. i don't feel much like a ppl-person but i still find the desire to try 2 make some1 else smile. i sure hope that God forgives me for all the bad things i say/do/think, n that He sees the good things i do. i know no1 is perfect but i feel like I've fallen so far from where i was before i got raped. that's right raped. i was on this celibacy thing and then after getting raped i decided who cares about saving myself for my husband, i probably wont get married anyway so I'm just living life now. i want to stop having sex but i feel that's all I'm worth, all that I'm good for. i dunno how to feel or what to think. i sometimes wonder why God allows me to live thru all of the things i have done, things i have been thru, when there r ppl out there that want 2 b here more, deserve 2 b here more. maybe He has a plan n purpose 4 my life and 1 day i will find out (i can only hope)

Since I've been gone...

So I have been gone for a while, and actually a lot has happened. I had a scare that I was preggo. I thought I was going to fail a class (my 1st ever) but thankfully I still passed. I got into 2 car accidents in one day. One of them was really minor but the 2nd was so bad that my car flipped over my back neck and head have been hurting so bad that all I can do is lay in bed. Whenever I do try to do something to get out of the house I get excruciating sharp pains in my back and can't stop fidgeting trying to get comfortable. Thankfully after my visit to the chiropractor yesterday I feel a whole lot better and can walk upright for the first time in a week. I can also walk faster, I'm so happy right now that I want to kiss him lol, but I digress. I am a bit stressed out about the car accident because I was still paying on my car and the Kelley Blue Book value is less than what I owe. I was advised by my best friend and my brother to seek an atty's help so that's where I am headed today. I hope that it proves to be helpful if not then I don't know what I am going to do. Everyone keeps saying thank God that you guys are okay cause it could have been worse but sometimes I wonder if me living after yet another bad car accident isn't worse...

Well that's all I have for now, I have a busy day ahead of me: visit to the chiro, pick of a cake for my friend's b-day, lawyer appt, class, and somewhere in there get something to eat. TT4N

My Religion

So I've never really mentioned my religion but I think it may be necessary if I'm going to say the things that I believe in. I am a Christian. I do believe in speaking in tongues I do believe in the Holy Spirit. I have my own beliefs some from things I have experienced some from observing other people, some from my church. I also have some doubts not in God but in religion. Its is too holy sometimes. I mean its not okay for me to drink beer but I can drink wine??? WTF? How is that possible? And don't give me that crap about Jesus drank wine, they drank wine because water conditions back then weren't that favorable. His equivalent of wine in modern times is like our bottle water with flavor. Anyway I digress onto my main beef. Where in the bible does it say I can't use the words you ppl classify as profanity such as..D&#n, B*$@h, A$$. These words aren't always profanity. B*$@h is used to distinguish a female dog from a male. A$$ is used to speak of a donkey. D&#n describes being cursed. It even says in the bible eternal damnation so what the H--l? Can someone pls explain why I can't use these words or their friendly counterparts (darn, witch, butt, etc)?

Pretending...

So I have been pretending for so long that I don't care if I'm alone I'm actually beginning to believe it. The only thing that reminds me otherwise is the constant pain I feel when I see EVERYONE I know either married or engaged or at least in some sort of relationship! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME THAT NOONE WANTS TO BE WITH ME??? Am I not smart enough, or possibly too smart? Am I not strong enough, or too independent? It can't be because I have children I see other people with children get married and stuff. I just want someone to love me for me is that too much to ask. I have had my heart set on this one guy for over 5 years now and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Now, don't get me wrong just because I have been thinking and hoping for him doesn't mean that I don't look at other guys I have dated and even hoped about other guys. All for all of them to backfire on me. I am STILL single after 5 years of hoping someone would be willing to deal with me I guess its just me. I guess I'm not relationship or marriage material...well eff it!!! I'm sick of pretending since noone wants me I will be content with being alone and when I'm rich if I'm still single I'm not taking a relationship with anyone because I don't want someone that doesn't know or love the real me faults and all. And trust one day I will be rich, just wait and see!

Idol and Busy Minds are the Devil's Playground

So today I did so much and so little. I cleaned around the house cut my son's hair did a pretty good job if i must say so myself, and did my daughter's hair, which is a 1-2 hr task. All in all I feel accomplished, with the household activities. It is my maturity or lack of it that makes me feel like I did nothing at all today. They say and idol mind is the devil's playground but even with my busy day my mind still found room for the devil to "play." My kids' father is someone that makes me feel and act very crazy. Today I was being overprotective. He was nice to them and me too, but I can't shake the feelings from the past. Every time I have let my guard down before as soon as I trust him he does something else to hurt me or them. I don't EVER want to have that happen again. I love myself and my children too much for that.

He asked what school our son goes to, and I just froze. I couldn't tell him because what if I did and once again his family and him act a fool for no reason. I'm sure all of my readers out there disagree with me, but you don't know what I have been through, and it would take a day to tell you. (and that's just the part about him, no one else)

So now reflecting on the 3 hrs they spent with him I am beginning to wonder...is it me that needs to grow up? Or am I just being cautious? Have I crossed the line of protection into obsessive? I dunno but I pray for peace as I sleep tonight because there is so much on my mind, I dare not even talk about my "jealous curiosity"...TT4N

Why the name?

If you are wondering about the name, Wounded Butterfly...I got it from a nickname given to me by an ex. He used to call me butterfly and right now this butterfly sure doesn't feel she can fly. I feel trapped in the here and now.

I've always been a big dreamer but situations and circumstances have kept me from being able to pursue what I thought was most important in life.

Now I am beginning to get new dreams and hopes, kinda scared though, because it seems every time I do I get shot right back down to reality.

One day I want to: get married, travel, own a big house designed the way I dream it (nothing used), have children (I already have 2 I love very much but I want more), be on Oprah (I want to be famous, not too famous though), write a book, be rich (or at least wealthy), and to own a library.
I sure hope that by wishing for these very things I am not ruining my chances of having them to come true.

I started this blog because I figured, there are so many movies with people blogging and expressing themselves why shouldn't I...

So here I am typing away when I have chores and I need to get rest. I hope this blog finds a happy reader and keeps you company during a lonely moment. If there is anyone out there reading this just know, I am in my bed (alone) and just want/need a friend. My friend's grandma died last Sunday and he is so detached lately. I don't know how to take it, I have lost my grandma too, but I was younger and reacted very differently. Now years later without a grandpa, grandma, mom, some aunts and uncles, I just feel wounded. How much pain can a person or in my case a "butterfly" endure before not being able to ever fly again? I need something to renew my dreams, ignite my passions, and help me take flight once again...TT4N! (ta-ta 4 now!)

Where to begin...

So I know so much and so little about computers. I know how to turn a computer on, I know how to get around on one I also know how to troubleshoot basic problems. However if I were to get a virus or something tragic happens without an instruction manual, and Google doesn't have the answer, then I'm lost. This is how it is with the real world. Growing up all you hear is that when you get older you are gonna have to be in the real world, but what exactly does this mean? Aren't I living in the same world as you? But now after years of many disappointments, curiosities, and adventures I think I am beginning to understand all to well what was meant. So how do I make it in this real world that is so much unlike the world/future I have dreamed of for so long...

WARNING:
This blog may be offensive to some and I apologize. I am just speaking my mind, pondering over things I've heard/seen/learned/or even experienced.